Question #7- On Commonalities and Relationships

What’s more important to a relationship: common values or other commonalities (like taste in music. interests, etc.)?

Common values without question.  Sharing common values with your significant other about things such as wanting a family, how long to wait to have sex, how to spend your money, importance of religion, and overall approach to love tend to be ingrained in each of us rather we want to admit it or not.   When your common values align with your SO you are reducing a lot of area for potential conflict.

Everything we’ve ever experienced has helped us to build up our own ideas on what we want and what we value, sometimes without even realizing it.

Something as simple as wanting kids or not can be a huge divider between two people.  If one person gives up something they’ve always wanted because the other person asked them to it has the potential to created blame and regret.  Which aren’t great feelings to have exist in a relationship.

Some of us don’t realize how important something is to us until a conflict arises that may stop of us from getting it.  I had been dating a girl for awhile when she had a health scare and the possibility of never having kids was a serious reality. Early in my 20s I had no idea how big of a deal that was to me.  We’d been dating for awhile and I really cared about her.  But having to potential choose between her and having kids was unthinkable.  It’s one thing to think you might not want something but it’s completely different to have something taken from you that you didn’t even know you wanted.  Or to make a choice against what you’ve always wanted for someone else’s sake.

But that’s how core values work.  We’re not aware how deeply they are ingrained in us.  How hard they are to change and give up.  The types of feelings we open ourselves up to if we give them up for other people.

Yes it’s great to like the same band, sports, books, or food as the love of your life but I don’t believe it’s essential.  I want us to have things in common, sure.  Yet I think us having different interests can be great too.  When your friends or spouse likes something you don’t it can be beneficial.  A lot of the time we don’t like things because we don’t know much about them or have never tried them.  Someone you care about loving something will exposes you to it in a way otherwise impossible.  Maybe you really hate it or maybe you just didn’t give it a chance.

Having different interests can be overcome and in some cases can even bring two people closer together by expanding their world.  Having different core values on the other hand will usually result in loss, void, and asking “what if” which is something I try never to do.

Stay Gold.

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